Audrey Hope

This weekend I planned to share very good news with my side of the family: We found out just a week ago that a new little one was on the way.

We were so thrilled and excited. We talked with Charlotte about being a big sister, and she was very excited too. She loves babies. She said, "Help change diaper poop!"

In our excitement, we started thinking of names. Possible first names, possible middle names, possible combinations. Just for fun I asked Adam what he would pick right then if he had to for each gender. His choices were exactly the same as mine.

At Pake's birthday party last night, we shared the news with Adam's family. Even Jane was there to hear the good news. Everyone rejoiced with us.



During the party, I started to have some light red spotting.  I cried, and Adam reassured me that I had spotted with Charlotte's pregnancy too and everything turned out fine.

It got worse during the night, and turned to bright red bleeding with clots. It was a night of uncertainty, tears and prayers.

I took a second pregnancy test in the morning, and the line was fainter, almost too faint to see. I sobbed and prayed it was a mistake. Maybe my urine was too dilute to give a good result? Did you know 70% of full-term pregnancies have some spotting or bleeding and everything is fine?  Surely there was another explanation. 

A visit to the doctor this afternoon confirmed that I am no longer pregnant. On top of that, I have a UTI.

The baby is gone. I'll never hold her, never know what she would have looked like, learn her personality and enjoy her quirks. Not in this life. (I don't know why, but I think of the baby as a girl).

This grief is too much to bear alone. I need to talk about it. I need to share it with friends and family.


Tonight I decided she needed a name.

So Adam and I gave her the one we had agreed on preliminarily just a few nights ago.

Audrey Hope
Audrey - Noble strength
Hope - the resurrection hope that we will see her one day


Dates that will never be the same for me:
10/14 the day we got the positive test
10/20 the day I was certain she was gone
6/25 the day she would have been due

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.